Dealing With Emotions

Photo taken August 2005: Less than a week after the surgery - my husband tells to "smile" as he takes a picture.

Something I haven't written about yet is the anger I experienced in the days following the surgery. I think it's important to write about this because the emotional impact in dealing with the tumor, surgery, and the uncertainty of the outcome can be difficult.

My step-dad told me he was amazed at how strong I appeared on the outside during this whole ordeal before the surgery and afterward. He said he knew I just had to be very scared inside...he was right. When I first heard about the tumor I was completely numb. The fear that went through me is indescribable. Saying I was shocked would be an understatement. For the most part, I tried to stay calm, but when I sat a while and thought about what I was facing, I cried uncontrollably. There were many nights when my husband joined me in tears. Here's an excerpt from a blog entry that I wrote after I had met with Dr. Kelly in California and decided to go to UCLA for the surgery:

- Thursday, July 28, 2005

This is all very sobering and I am trying to maintain a positive attitude. Even though I am a Christian, I am not removed from suffering. Christianity is not about living a victorious, suffer-free life. I still experience an element of God's judgment that occurred through the Fall. Suffering is a part of the world I live in. I have no bitterness or despair toward God about my present situation. For those of you wondering, things are much like a pendulum swing right now. Yes, I do cry. When I found out about the tumor, my first thought was, "Am I prepared to meet God?" I was terrified. Not to be too dramatic, but I cannot put in words exactly how I feel. Sometimes, in fear and weakness, I struggle with unbelief. But Ultimately, what gives me hope is God's grace in Jesus Christ. Here my fear is relieved...

I read Romans 5:1-11 last night and it's a comforting scripture passage in dealing with life's trials. Dave and I cannot help but trust that God's hand is in this and this circumstance is not merely chance or misfortune, but it's just part of God's plan for me from birth. Just the anticipation of the outcome is mild torture, though. I am not having this surgery to relieve some agony or pain. My circumstance is quite the opposite...I hardly know the tumor is there. This makes it scarier because I am not presently seeking relief from pain. I will most likely be in pain afterward. So preparing for this is a mental challenge. I trust that the prognosis or results are just as God predetermined. Obviously, it is sensible, and we increase my chances of good recovery and success by going to the most skilled neurosurgeon. Still, the worst could happen with anyone doing the surgery. Dr. Kelly is no miracle man - he is just a man capable of mistakes regardless of his expertise. He can give it his best shot, and do everything right, and things can still go wrong...there's no telling what might happen. Dave and I couldn't sleep last night. We woke in the middle of the night and remembered a few more questions we had that were not addressed when we saw Dr. Kelly at UCLA...

When I came out of surgery I'm not sure I was prepared for the emotions that followed. Feelings of bitterness and despair surfaced. I got home from the hospital a day earlier than expected because my recovery was so remarkable. Instead of staying in the hospital the expected 3-4 days I was released from UCLA on the morning of the second day (I had surgery on Friday morning and went home Sunday morning). I was glad my recovery was going well, but frustrated about what I was going through. Inside I was grumbling about the fate that had been given me. My anger was strange, unlike anything I'd ever had before.

The feelings began when I was in the hospital. I was irritated at the catheter they put in me and the machines and wires around me. I felt trapped. My level of discomfort was minimal, but waiting to hear if my pituitary was okay was stressful. It required a lot of patience. Recovery also required patience. Any life altering physiological changes as a result of the surgery were still unknown. Everything was uncertain and all the routine stability I had in my life was missing. My life had turned upside down. Although I was emotionally exhausted, I tried to be mindful of the others helping. Trying not to complain was challenging, but I did my best.

We stayed with my in-laws in Southern California for a total of three weeks during this time. I had to rely on others heavily for help with the kids. The day after I got home from the hospital, my husband and his parents took our kids to Knotts Berry Farm all day and night. You would think that I would have enjoyed the quiet time and used it to rest, but I couldn't. I felt very alone, scared, and angry. No one was near if I needed help - no one. My parents were understandably busy with their schedules, and everyone went on with their everyday routines...except me.

I sat alone in the house, bleeding out the nose, and tried to make sense of the circumstances I found myself in. I felt abandoned even though I knew I hadn't been. In desperation, that evening I called my mom and asked her to pick me up from my in-laws. She and my sister took me to a nearby coffee shop. I tried to keep my chin up, but it was hard to. It was nice to get out of the house. I wanted to get out - even if it was to sit somewhere because I wanted to be okay like everyone else.

One week Post Surgery - Click to Enlarge

I can't really put my finger on any one thing that made me upset, just that I was. I dealt with this in my own way, by just trying to ignore my feelings and act contrary to how I felt. In reality, this was probably the best thing for me to do at the time. I might have lashed out and said things I didn't mean. I'm sure I am not alone when I speak of the loneliness and anger I felt through this. I accepted my fate from the beginning, but once it became a reality and the surgery was done, I grew impatient, waiting for the results. I wasn't keeping in mind that my husband's world was also upside down. Although he didn't go through the surgery, he was feeling the effects of it too. He just didn't have time to show it. We were thousands of miles aways from our home, stuffed in someone else's house with our three kids and trying to maintain normalcy. Everyone who helped devoted their time willingly, and their lives were interrupted too. Before the surgery, I was determined to make the best of the situation and remain upbeat but I had no idea how difficult that would be...accepting this change of life was not easy. I was bitter even though I went through it with a smile.

The anger disappeared as days went by. With each doctor visit I received good news that the surgery may have been successful. After a few weeks, life got completely back to normal and I wasn't mad at the world anymore. I chose not to stay angry, although I still struggled to accept my uncertain future with contentment. Maybe a lot of the anger was due to hormones and changes that occurred as the pituitary dropped back into place? I don't know...but I doubt it!